How a Man can Successfully Marry- When he’s Plagued with the ‘Yunger Hunger’

Posted on May 10, 2012 by Tristen

This ain't her daddy...although she might call him "Big Poppa"

Well I do believe I came across the answer on how to make all you 35 year old+ men who love the ‘barely legal’ ladies – successful in your dating pursuits.  You are all welcome.  Send me an invite to the party!

While continuing my study of the talk by Hugh Pinnock, “Ten Keys to Successful Dating and Marriage Relationships” I came across this gem: (my own assumptions in red)

Let me tell you a story about a man who received his PhD from this  institution {BYU}. We had known this person for a number of years. He married later than many {my guess is at least 35}, and as we watched him relate with a young woman {what do you think?…19…20?}, we wondered if she could keep up; we wondered if she had the capacity to understand life as he had learned it because he was more than several years older. Then, as we observed that couple at social functions and elsewhere, we saw that he would take time to carefully instruct her. As he returned from classwork, he would bring home books for her to read and to study. As they took long walks, they were constantly teaching each other. What a beautiful marriage and what a lovely family they now have because they have taken the time to compliment and to build each other! They are serving now in the mission field together, there because of his sensitivity and because of her sensitivity, there because they desire to build one another.

These two made their generation gap work…so maybe there is an ounce of hope for you men famished with that ‘Yunger Hunger’?  All joking aside I think he has a valid point to recognize that in lots of ways you aren’t going to be equals in a relationship at first with this kind of age gap.  I mean trust me – I thought I was all sorts of mature at 21 when I dated someone 10 years older than me…but the fact is that was a big age gap!  You are at two completely different stages in life…you just are!  Wisdom and emotional maturity come with age.  When you’re in your 30′s and she practically just had her Quinceañera…things aren’t going to be full of depth for the two of you.  However – with a little instruction, sensitivity, and guidance your teeny bopper’s wisdom can grow… and equals, partners, and companions you can become!  Oh won’t your mother be thrilled to hear she can finally stop praying for you to marry… ya old geezer!  Go find yourself a freshman…I approve!!!  Whoo-hoo!

ps: I haven’t come to my full conclusion when it comes to you aggressive Cougars.  I’ll let you know when I have.

Share
Posted in TMM | 4 Comments

Wasted Thoughts and Wrecking Balls

Posted on May 9, 2012 by Tristen

If you think something nice…you’re just supposed to say it.  Otherwise it’s one big ‘ol fat wasted thought.  Thank Heavens there are a few others that have been kind enough to show me they abide by this rule of thought.  Do you have any idea how great it feels to know that someone read what you had to say, thought it was helpful, and then tells you about it?  I do…and it feels real real nice!

As far as I know no one reads this darn – (it’s also been called “gay”…I laughed at the dumb chick that said that but told her I at times agreed) thing.  Yes – I have Google Analytic’s but I hate that junk.  I don’t want to care who, and how many, are reading or checking my site.  I’m sure the day will come that I may find that to be important for the growth of my business…but frankly that’s the first kind of person I’m going to hire if expansion needs come my way.  Someone to be in charge of all that driving traffic and social media bologna.

However, when someone takes the time to give me a genuine compliment…I feel like I want to live up to their expectations.  They make me try a little harder to prove them right in their opinion of me.  Hugh Pinnock in his talk, “Ten Keys to Successful Dating and Marriage Relationships” that he gave at a BYU Devotional- illustrates the great importance this same concept has in our dating lives.

Paying compliments

…Compliment each other sincerely and often, just as you do or will do during the dating period. A middle-aged wife once told me, “Someone has to keep my husband humble. He gets so much attention from others that he needs to be brought down a peg or two. He gets too big for his britches.” How sad. Every husband needs a wife who will build him up, and every wife needs a husband to honor and to respect her. Building each other with sincere compliments is never a sign of weakness. It is the right thing to do. Anyone who can contemplate kneeling at an altar, participating in an eternal ordinance–or those who have–can certainly find lovely things to say about a partner.

…”I see how some husbands and wives treat each other,” a young divorced lady said to me, “so coldly and with such indifference I want to scream at them, to wake them up before it is too late. I want to tell them to quit their sarcasm and instead to encourage each other.” And remember, dear friends, that that is part of the responsibility of dating, to handle that precious relationship as if it were fragile because it is. We all tend to become the persons described in the compliments that our spouses and friends pay us. We will do almost anything to live up to the compliments and encouragements of a boyfriend or a girlfriend or a proud wife or husband.

I like it Hugh!  You’ve said it sooo well!  Sarcasm…it’s of the devil and don’t you forget it.  Elder Holland thinks so too!

In a dating and courtship relationship, I would not have you spend five minutes with someone who belittles you, who is constantly critical of you, who is cruel at your expense and may even call it humor.  (Elder Holland, “How Do I Love Thee?”)

Once my mom paid Lindsey and I to quit some bad habits.  (We were trying to earn the money our super nice mom was already going to give us for a NYC shopping trip)  I made money by destroying some hooded sweatshirts that I wore every day (hood on of course) for 6 months straight minus the 3 hours of church each week.  Trust me – you wouldn’t have left home without a hood on till your butch haircut grew out either!  But Lindsey…she made money by being nice to me.  (And ummm yeah…we were in our 20′s when this went down) And she lost money when she was rude.  It was shocking to her and I both how many times a day I had to look at her, tilt my head, and ask, “Now Lindsey is that building or tearing?” To which she would wince and in her sorry voice try to verbally earn back her bribe.  Needless to say I did a lot of shopping on that trip while Lindsey was on a bit of a budget.

We need to be nice, talk nice, date nice, and hopefully marry nice!  If you think something that will build someone else up…say it…don’t wast that thought.  Thanks to those kind friends that are esteem boosters in my life.  I appreciate the building.  You are my cherries on top! xoxo

Related Posts

Share
Posted in Bits of Truth, Bretheren, My Life | Tagged , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

My High Mountain

Posted on May 7, 2012 by Tristen

The older I get the more I realize how introverted I really am.  I don’t know that any of my peers would describe me as such, and in fact I sometimes get in trouble when in a social situation and I want to take some time to myself.  They want me stickin’ to my role of obnoxious loud girl.  So much to mama’s dismay…I usually oblige and turn on the charm. But some of my favorite moments are those that I have to myself to ponder, reflect, and meditate.  (Not Namaste kind…the heavy breathing of the ‘really into it’ man lying next to me always makes me giggle)

So…this last weekend my ‘Choose Your Own Adventure’ road trip  -destination Fort Bragg- was rejuvenating to say the least.  My 14 year old niece Skylar came with -and we made memories every chance we could.  I introduced her to some of my favorite accompaniments to personal revelation:

A High Mountain with a View of God's Creations

 

Incredible Church Talks: This one is a pf! (personal fav.) "Cast Not Away Therefore Your Confidence"

Exploring and Becoming one with Nature

More good DIY EFY stuff

Remembering. For a few hours during a long stretch of road I made Skillz read entries out of my old mission journals. I got to 'remember' and she got to prepare...(at least that's my hope). This was a definite weekend highlight for me! Ohh the memories!

Laughing! - Finding this genius entry of mine may have been a weekend highlight for Skylar. (ok...and maybe me too. But don't go stealing this lyrical masterpiece now...)

The hundreds of miles that we traveled were well worth it.  I feel so much more confident and calm about the roller coaster I’m on.  I’m renewed, rededicated, and ready to move forward.  I finally felt comfortable with the terms in my agreement and I signed my little life away.  My moment on my high mountain brought me clarity once again.  A perfect adventure with a perfect outcome.  Thanks for coming Skillz.  xoxo

Signed, Sealed, Delivered! (I had no idea what "Its" meant...so I just used my best judgement)

Share
Posted in TMM | 2 Comments

A Road Trip to Re-Group

Posted on May 2, 2012 by Tristen

I’m off.  I’m off to go find me a little slice of Heaven on Earth.  I gotta tell you it is very much needed right now for me in my life.  Don’t get me wrong – I’ve got one heck of a great and blessed life…but it’s time for a bit of re-grouping.  Don’t we all need that time in our lives to have some moments of reflection, re-dedication, and revelation?  This girl does…this whole tv thing is continually throwing me for a loop!  All these people with all their opinions…I just have to make sure I haven’t forgotten my own!  So I’m headed up the coast with a destination of glory I just know happens to be waiting for me.  I’ve got Elder Scott’s “How to Obtain Revelation and Inspiration in Your Personal Life” in hand, my camera, and my loyal niece Skilly to bounce all my thoughts off of.  That poor little girl is either going to continue thinking I’m the most fun aunt ever…or she’s going to wish we had no relation at all.  Regardless…let the adventure begin.

ps: A road trip to re-group might just be what you need too!  Contemplating some changes, giving up on some goals, or just not seeing an end to the momentary misery? …Get in the car and drive.   It ain’t a bad idea my friends.  Meet ya at Fort Bragg. xoxo

Related Posts

Share
Posted in My Life, The Show, TMM | Tagged | Leave a comment

Lindsey Says: Honesty is the Best Policy

Posted on April 30, 2012 by Lindsey

We were at one of my favorite restaurants.  So why wasn’t I enjoying my food?  My date who sat across the table was shoveling his food into his mouth as if it was the last time he would ever eat.  He was stuffing his mouth at an alarming rate, had his left elbow on the table as his right hand was shoving the food in, didn’t look up EVER (I know this because I was staring in disbelief for minutes on end), and even made a few grunting noises as he chewed.  It was utterly repulsive.

When he finally came up for a breath, he saw me looking at him.  He said, “What?”  To which I answered, “Your mom would be appalled at what I am seeing.  You look like an animal that belongs caged up by the way you are eating.”

I don’t know if he wanted to cry or laugh.  Luckily he chose the latter.  So I proceeded to get on his case about every etiquette rule he had broken.  After a brief tutorial, we were having fun.

My take on this date….
Even thought I had to be a little “too” honest AKA rude, at least I didn’t go home in disgust and regret ever having gone.

His take on the date….
Since he asked me out for a second date, my guess is that he wasn’t offended by the truth.

The moral of the story –
Although I passed on date #2, something little like his bad manners could have stopped me cold in my tracks to see nothing further.  But my honesty opened up the door to just address the problem and move forward.  And any guy will tell you that a girl that calls a guy out on his stuff, proves she has a backbone and is confident.  Two very appealing traits in a woman to a man.

Related Posts

Share
Posted in Lindsey Says | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

Queenie Says: You Better Cook For Your Man

Posted on April 26, 2012 by Queenie

In a former blog I mentioned having a hot meal on the table at night. I think this has almost become a lost art. Does anyone cook anymore? Oh girls, if you don’t know how to cook you are missing such a great opportunity! I will admit that when I was first married my cooking left a lot to be desired. I remember that after a couple of months of marriage I was informed by my husband with a sour look on his face that I didn’t love him very much—-WHAT!—-why would he say that? It was because I served very little vegetables or even forgot them! How was I to know he was raised on them and they weren’t the canned kind!! Give me a break! He was from Canada and they grew their own. I was from SoCal and we ate meat and potatoes! (I know it is different now, but this was in the 60′s.)

It took a few months—ok, maybe years—but we worked that little problem out. All it took was the oft repeated phrase “my mum doesn’t cook (fill in anything you want) like that”. Enough is enough—-so I learned to cook! It all started at a Relief Society meeting when a sister gave this little hint—If your husband is coming home and you haven’t started dinner or are still figuring out what you should serve, slowly fry some onions in some butter with a little garlic, the smell is wonderful and it will trick your husband into thinking that you have been slaving over a hot stove, fixing him dinner for hours. And then THINK FAST!

Now girls, I am talking cooking, not a fast trip to Trader Joe’s. I don’t understand how their samples can taste pretty good and then you get it home and it grosses you out. Same for Costco! Cooking isn’t hard it just takes a little planning. When you are first married you probably aren’t going to be cooking gourmet meals—-money might be tight and with little ones it will get even tighter. Miracles can be accomplished with chicken or how about pasta? Learn to make some sauces; they can cover a multitude of boring tastes and for heaven’s sake—-cook fresh vegetables. A little butter, a little salt and pepper=a little heaven!

Related Posts

Share
Posted in Queenie Says | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

Should I Stay or Should I Go….

Posted on April 24, 2012 by Tristen

How many times have you started dating somebody and things were pretty much close to perfection…and then you start feeling all sorts of uncertain about any future possibilities with this person?  So… you check out, move onto the next lady (or gent) on your list, all the while giving yourself accolades for the courage to walk away and be true to your feelings.  “Good for you,” you tell yourself… “it’s better to be alone then with someone you weren’t quite sure about.”  And perhaps it is in the long run – but if this is how you’re feeling within the first month of dating someone – I’m here to tell you to ride it out.

According to Dr. John Gray (a relationship God!) in his book, “Mars and Venus on a Date” (absolutely brilliant dating book!…time to put that on my site’s reading list!) there are 5 stages to dating.

1.Attraction

2.Uncertainty

3.Exclusivity

4.Intimacy (doesn’t have to mean sex… fyi)

5.Engagement

Attraction- you like them.  You’re dating lots of people, but this one particular person is a bit more intriguing than the rest.  You assume the next natural move is to pursue that individual into the stage of exclusivity and give it a real go.  So…that’s what most of us do – but then you start getting all mixed up in your head.

If you’re a guy maybe you start thinking those other girls who were paying you a lot of attention just a few weeks previous to your ‘exclusivity’ are sounding real tempting.  (aka: ‘grass is always lookin’ a little greener’ effect)  Or if you’re a girl maybe you start asking yourself very premature questions as to whether or not this boy could in actuality make you happy eternally?

Now here’s where the game changing bit of knowledge comes into play.  When those thoughts creep on into your mind early on in the dating process…know that, that is an actual STAGE of dating!  We are supposed to feel “uncertain” about things.  It is actually the natural progression of a blossoming romance.  Anxiety and a lack of confidence may come abruptly and all of a sudden – or slowly creep in as  you find yourself repeatedly avoiding spending time with your new ‘fling’ (it’s about to be over so it could only be described as such…right?).

The real key is to acknowledge that uncertainty is bound to happen early on in a relationship.  Acknowledge it and move the freak forward!  You gotta let it have the chance to move past that stage and see if there is a real connection.  Now if you’re feeling all queasy 6 months into an exclusive relationship don’t go ignoring those red flags etc…but if initially you liked the person, you were attracted to them, you envisioned a possible fun future with them at one time not too long ago…KEEP DATING THEM!  If you’ve been careful not to pursue other relationships during the ‘uncertainty’ stage then the future will become obvious.  Shades of gray will become a black and white choice.  You either want to get to know them more… or you don’t.  Make your decision then.

So should you stay or should you go???  If you have to even question the choice and it’s not blatantly obvious – ride it out and give things a chance to become clear again.  They will…you’re just going through a stage.

xoxo -T

Related Posts

Share
Posted in Bits of Truth, Books | Tagged , , , | 5 Comments

Girls on the Edge…Actin’ Stupid!

Posted on April 20, 2012 by Tristen

In the middle of my 20′s I went through a break up that rocked my world.  It was the biggest struggle of my life getting over it.  I had lost all sense of who I was or where my future was headed without this boy in it.  I was a big ‘ol mess.  Having been raised with copious amounts of understanding who I was- I’d never really faced the challenges of a loss of identity, or had factors confusing that knowledge for me.  I didn’t even really know how to identify the problem, I just knew I was not myself, far from my best self, and extremely lost.  It was overwhelming and I wouldn’t wish that kind of nightmare on my worst enemy!!

Just like the book Dr. Sax wrote for the boys (see boys post here)…he wrote one for the girls and the four factors driving their crisis.  Again he supports a message that is extremely applicable for women of all ages.  Particularly one factor that I feel very passionate about…

Esteem; Where a girls self worth is coming from and where it should be coming from.  Girls act stupid because they don’t know who they are.  Fix this…and I think you fix the world!

Well months after this horrible breakup of mine, I was with my old Beehive teacher Debra, who had become a great friend of mine.  She taught me a lesson that day that changed my life.  A lesson that once I fully grasped and understood- was a turning point for me.

She told me that my self worth couldn’t come from a boy.  Things might not work out between us.  She told me my self worth couldn’t come from how much money I made or my job.  I might lose it.  She told me my esteem couldn’t even come from my husband because, – he could leave me, or die, or make poor choices.  She told me the source of my esteem couldn’t come from whether or not I was skinny, or pretty, or un-wrinkly -  what if something happened and I became deformed?  Debra taught me that the only place my self worth could come from was the one and only thing I had full control over…and that was… my standing before the Lord!  Everything else was out of my control.  Tragedy, misfortune, and unpredictability could strike at any moment with any other factor.  If my esteem were based upon those shaky foundations than I was going to be screwed when things didn’t go my way.  But if at the end of the day I could with full confidence stand tall before the Lord then I should and could- feel like a million bucks!

What a lesson!  It took a while for it to really sink in.  In fact for the next 6 months I repeated “My esteem only comes from my standing before the Lord.  It’s the only thing I have full control over!” hundreds of times in my head.  This was a principle that I knew to be true, then I began to understand it in a whole new light, and finally I began to live my life applying this truth in every aspect of daily living.  I came again to be able to discern fully who I was as a daughter of God, and from then on out have determined that to be the one and only source of my esteem.  There are a lot of other great things in life that I consider to be a nice cherry on top…but they are not the source of my esteem because I don’t have full control over them and they could be taken away at any moment.

If there was only one thing I could chose to share with the whole wide gigantic world, it would be this lesson!  So obviously I was obsessed when Dr. Sax had so much to say regarding the misplaced source of worth so many women struggle with.

“If your daughter can develop a sense of self that is deeply rooted, then she will grow up to be a resilient and self-confident woman.  …A sense of self is about who you are, not about how you look or what kinds of grades you get or who you’re friends with.  Emily defined herself as the smart kid.  Melissa was Jessica’s BFF.  Madison was the cute one.  Take that away, and each girl’s sense of self collapsed.”

This little excerpt is from the introduction of Dr. Sax’s book, “Girls on the Edge.”  The rest of the book goes into great detail of what factors he feels the loss of esteem can be attributed to and how to fix them.  Fascinating…and SOOO accurate.  It all boils down to esteem!  We gotta know who we are, and then act accordingly!  Trust me girls – you want to learn this lesson if you haven’t already.  And boys…trust me you wanna marry one that has!

 

Related Posts

Share
Posted in Books, My Life | Tagged , , , , | 5 Comments

Friday Night Date Night: Squaw Peak…(as told by Lindsey)

Posted on April 14, 2012 by Lindsey

Tristen was going on a date, and still hadn’t ever kissed a guy.  I remember him asking me where he should take her that she would like.  In an effort to get her over the kissing hump, and in honor of me being the ultimate sister, I told him about Squaw Peak — the really cheesy local make out point.  I knew she would kill me.  And I laughed the entire time I saw the car pull away from the house as I imagined how awkward the night would go.

Fast forward until the next morning…this was our conversation:
T – Lindsey, I am going to kill you!
L – Why?
T – You tried to send us up to Squaw Peak.
L – What, you didn’t go?
T – NO, we didn’t go.
L – Too bad — you could have finally had your first kiss.
T – You are lame.
L – And you have virgin lips.

Apparently, it did make for a decently awkward night.  (Job well done!)  But when things were comfortable a few dates later, her lips took the plunge.

So I guess it is safe to say, that if you aren’t comfortable with the date, speak up and say something.  Because although it may make for an awkward moment or night — it will run it’s course and open the door for future dates that might prove to be better.  Because, let’s be honest, if she would have been sitting at Squaw Peak wanting to die, the awkwardness might have stopped her from saying yes the next time.  And she might be sitting today with those same untouched lips.

I guess she has me to thank for getting her first kiss.

Related Posts

Share
Posted in Friday Night Date Night, Lindsey Says | Tagged , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Lindsey Says: Background Check

Posted on April 13, 2012 by Lindsey

Back in the day, I had a friend who was dating a boy.  She had known him for quite a while, and was pretty into the guy.  But she was alerted when one day a friend of his made the comment, “_____ is great, but just know that he is really putting his best foot forward for you.”

Whoa!  That is decently alarming.  When she told me about the comment, I told her to look past the lovey dovey, and see what the friend might be talking about.

It turns out that the comment was more than true.  And became more apparent after the break up.

I have heard of people trying to see their significant other in as many possible situations as they can.

But what about listening to others as much as looking.

Sidenote:
I have even heard of girls/guys calling the mission president to see what kind of a missionary they were.  It might seem a little intrusive and bold, but when you are going into the rest of your life with this “other”, a thorough background check is not a bad idea.

Share
Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment